I have so many things I want to change about myself. I have so many new habits I feel I should pick up but just can’t get started.
I hate the way I look… I mean, yeah, I have “those days” where I look really good, but I want those days to be everyday, not just every so often.
I want to officially stop biting my nails. I want to get into the habit of brushing my teeth at night. I want to get my hair trimmed but my mom is always “too tired” to trim off two fucking inches of hair like it’s a big deal. I want to stop picking at scabs… that’s giving me so many unnecessary scars and it does not look good. I wish I could stop biting the inside of my cheeks.
I know there are some things I can’t change. For example, I can’t change how big my feet are. I can’t change how my nose looks. I can’t change the huge scar I have on my leg (honestly, I wouldn’t change that for anything).
I wish my mom would help me get the money to get my back fixed. I have scoliosis and my spine is curved at about 53 degrees and I have this hideous “rib-hump” because of my spine pushing my ribs out, and not only does it hurt to sit, stand, lay down, and move… but it’s highly fucking unattractive.
I wish I had less visible veins in my eyelids.
Now the one thing that I can control that I really hate… my weight. I feel fat. I feel weak (oh wait, that’s because I am) I do not like who I see in the mirror. My arms are flabby, my thighs are uneven, I hate it. I hate that I know I can change it and still can’t get into any good habits to do so. Do I workout? Yes. Do I eat like a pig all day? Yes. That doesn’t even out but there is just nothing healthy in this house to eat most of the time. Like, 99% of the time. I have no support from anyone in this household. The one person I have support from is my friend Annie, and she’s not even in the same state. I want to fucking change the way I eat so I can actually lose weight. But how can I do that when my mom keeps buying the same shit? I have no money to buy my own food because I’m saving it up to get my back fixed (5,000$) I can’t bring myself to say no to food and when I am actually hungry… I don’t pick anything good. I want to change, I just don’t know where to get started. I want to change everything I consider a flaw. I just do not have a clue where to start.
